Jesus was Left-Handed

- A Left-Handers Outlook on Life, Love, and Right-Handed Persecution -

If you're right-handed, click here.

This page is devoted to left-handers or anyone striving to be left-handed. How many times has someone said, "you write funny," and then laughed hysterically like they just told a really good joke? First of all, I don't see the humor in it. Second of all, only right-handers laugh at their own short comings.

This page consists of:


  • Right-Handed Persecution Throughout the Ages
  • Modern Right-Handed Persecution
  • Jesus was Left-Handed
  • Left-Handed Domination: a Perfect World
  • Famous Left-Handers vs. Famous Right-Handers

    • Right-Handed Persecution Throughout the Ages

    Right-Handers have been giving us trouble since the beginning of time. In ancient Egypt, the mostly left-handed population of the Children of Israel were enslaved by right-handed Egyptians. We believe that many Egyptians converted to Left-Handedism after the Plagues. These converts can never truly be left-handers, but if they sincerely believe, then they will be spared from the great Right-Handed Purging. But that's kind of off the subject. Back to historical right-handed persecution.

    In ancient Greece, all of the great thinkers were left-handed. Zeus was left-handed. Now it may seem like Zeus was a bad guy, having sex with all those mortal women, who not many people know were right-handed. In actuality, he was trying to re-populate the earth with left-handers, and weed out the undesirables. Most lightening bolts were aimed at right-handers.

    In Salem, Massachusetts 1692, during the witch trials, many innocent left-handers lost their lives to right-handed jealousy. Most historians (being right-handed) chose to lie about the nature of these burnings. The witches (who were not witches, but merely left-handers) were burned alive because of their increased mental capabilities and ravishing good looks by ugly right-handers.

    * An additional note: most advanced alien races are left-handed.

    Modern Right-Handed Persecution

    You would think that in a world where we have Star Trek: The Next Generation, left-handers would no longer be persecuted. But it is all around us. Right-handedism is everywhere. The rest of this section will be devoted to identifying some of these right-handed atrocities.

  • Right Handed Desks. This is a problem that all left-handers have faced or will face sometime during their lives. A tiny writing surface located on the right side of the desks. Now I'm sure that these desks do not provide an optimal study surface for right-handers, but for left-handers they are a giant slap in the face. It's just great that my right hand has plenty of support, but it would be better used slapping right-handers than resting on a desk. To write in a feasible manner, we left-handers must turn a 180 and sit side saddle in the desk. You can't tell me sitting like that turns a normally uncomfortable desk into a recliner. Plus we have to look at the ugly right-hander sitting next to us.

    Universities have done a mediocre job of purchasing new, uni-hand desks with larger writing surfaces. But really, what's the point? By the time you force your way into the classroom, the damn right-handers have already taken the uni-hand desks.

  • Left-Handed Scissors. Some of you may have had a pair of left-handed scissors when you were young, but by now most of you have probably adapted to using right-handed scissors. That's because the person who invented the left-handed scissors was a right-hander. They're supposed to work better when you use your left hand, but in actuality, you couldn't cut air with those things. Normal, right-handed scissors, were originally designed by a left-hander to be used with either hand. But he was strong-armed by the right-handed king's goons and forced to make it only right-hand user friendly, in order to spite all of the superior left-handers working at the paper doll factory (this is a true story. Names, dates, and locations can be obtained with further inquiry.)

  • Left-Handed Screwdrivers. Is that supposed to be funny? Ha ha. (Additional note: most right-handers have a repressed sense of humor.)

  • Left-Handed Jokes. This returns to the part about right-handers' sense of humor. "Hire a left-hander to watch him write," has always been one of my personal favorites. In a utopian society (to be discussed later), that saying would be changed to, "Hire a left-hander and watch him take over your company and turn it into something successful while your dumb, right-handed ass gets thrown into the mail room."

    Or what about "You've go two left feet." Yeah, well.. You've got two right brains. And I can dance.

    Jesus was Left-Handed

    * Note: this section is not an attempt to be disrespectful or sacreligious.

    Jesus was left-handed. It is stated in the bible the Jesus sitteth at the right hand of God. That is because God is also left handed. Now some right-handers may say, (imagine snooty, right-hander voice here) "Well. If God was left-handed, and so was His Son, then why does Jesus sit at God's RIGHT hand?" This is, of course, backwards, right-hander logic. But we must excuse them for lesser intellect.

    The OBVIOUS reason why Jesus sits on God's right hand is so they don't bump elbows when they eat. Duh.

    Now that we have determined that the Creator is left-handed, we may also determine that all right-handers are heathens. And since we know that heathens have dominated history, this only furthers our assurance that Jesus was left-handed. A strengthening of the faith, if you will.

    We left-handers are of course not worried about this so-called right-hander domination. After all, the apostle John (who was left-handed) actually wrote Revelations based on a series of divine, left-handed dreams sent to him by God himself. The six-headed beast ACTUALLY had six RIGHT heads, but John left this little tidbit out of the original manuscript, because God didn't want to tip the right-handers off about their eventual demise. Thus Right-Hander Free Will was created. And it was good.

    You see, when the world was only a few months old, Eve (a right-hander) ate from the Tree of Good and Evil, invoking God's wrath. Adam (an innocently bystanding left-hander) was caught in the middle. Thus God granted him a Free Will, knowing that he would always be faithful to his left-handed God. Eve, however, was given a brain made of strawberry jello. This was not a total punishment, however, because God makes the best strawberry jello there is. And it was good.

    So on release day for the Bible, God granted right-handers there own lesser free will. An economy will, if you will (oh the puns are flying!) After all, He wants them to believe in Him because they want to, not out of fear of the Purging.

    Left-Handed Domination: a Perfect World

    Utopia. In a perfect world, left-handers will rule. I say "will", because it is only a matter of time. Muwahaha...

    The ruling class will of course be left-handed, with a few special right-handers to represent the masses. Average right handers will have the status of say.. apes. Punishment for right-handers will be severe but fair.

    We will be technologically advanced. Left-handers today communicate telepathically (unbeknownst to right-handers). In the future, this form of communication will be upgraded, and we will be able to send nude .gif files with our brains. Sort of like a telepathic IRC. Right-handers will not be left out of this. By this time they may be able to send small text files, but most of their traveling brain waves will be used in Borg-like fashion for left-hander benefit.

    There will be beautiful, left-handed women, and they will all look like Sandra Bullock.

    There will be no race. There will be no infirmities. There will be no age. There will be only left-handers.

    Famous Left-Handers vs. Famous Right-Handers

    Left-Handers Right-Handers
    Jesus
    Luke Skywalker
    Julius Ceasar
    Beethoven
    Sarah Jessica Parker
    Leonardo da Vinci
    Tom Cruise
    Brent Spiner No one good
    Tim Allen
    Wil Wheaton
    Aristotle
    Emma Thompson
    Michael Dorn
    Gandhi
    Matthew Broderick
    Alexander the Great

    There are many, many more famous left-handers out there. As you can see, the right-handers did not exactly make an impressive showing. Incidently, I think it is important to note that three members of the Next Generation cast are left-handed. The show is obviously Blessed.

    I hope you have enjoyed this left-handed romp. I also look forward to seeing you in Left-Heaven when the day comes (or snickering at you in Right-Hell. Whichever your case may be.)

    Left-On!

    DISCLAIMER: This page has not been written to seriously slander anyone. It is only for fun, or to be printed out and used as revolution starting material. Thank you.
    sirjon

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