I have a lot of stories to tell.  As I am very fortunate to have my memory from
when I was roughly two or three years old, many random situations in every day
life can bring upon random memories from earlier times.  However, because of my
lack of oral communication skills, or a lack of interest and/or decency to spend
a few minutes getting to know me, people are never usually interested enough to
listen.  Those who decide to be nice and stick through to the end of the story
usually do not understand the point, punch line or overall theme that my story
was meant to get at.

        I wish I had pictures to show of some of the times that I refer so fondly to,
to better create the situation that surrounded me, but I was so bitter as a
child that I refused to have my picture taken, and I myself had no interest in
taking pictures.  But, due to current technology and a fantastic Christmas
present, I now have a digital camera. Some call me camera-happy, but I have
truly found something that I enjoy. I snap away at anything that now interests
me.  I do not do it to be artsy, nor do I believe that photography in itself is
an art; I do it to help remember what it is that I have experienced, or perhaps
want to use for some strange reason in the future.

        But some of these uninterested people, whom I like to refer as bland, just do
not seem to understand me and my personality.  Some of the pictures that I took
caused a decent friend, to say “You’re an f***ed up kid, Brian.” in a very
serious tone.  In a way, it hurt my feelings.  It’s not the first time
something like this has been said to me, by him or others, and it’s unfortunate
that I am so misunderstood.

        The latest time came from a friend on the bowling team, whom I have now known
for about two years, and I have spent many days together with him and the other
guys.  Upon our first adventure as a team, about a year and a half ago, we came
across a team from Oberlin College, which happens to be one of the most
well-known liberal arts colleges in the country.  The participants on the team
were there for fun, which apparently is not acceptable by this one particular
teammate of mine.  He also decided it was okay to comment on their appearance,
which was a nice mixture of dreadlocks, scruffy beards, sideburns, multiple
piercings, and crazy uniforms.  Referring to this image, he turned to me,
looked me up and down and said “Brian, you should be on their team!”
        While I agreed that I didn’t look as traditional as I could, given my long
hair, stubbly beard, different colored belt and self-painted shoes, I didn’t
feel that the comments were appropriate. I took it as a joke, a somewhat witty
observation that I wouldn’t necessarily disagree with, but since then, this
particular friend of mine and I have had many disagreements when it comes to
going through life.  He’s about as stereotypical as they come, and I feel that
I am not.  I do have some quirks, I admit, but I do not think that makes me
“F-ed up”.  In many senses, I think I’m quite amazing. 

Make the decision for yourself.        

I hate to keep referring to this friend of mine, but he is the
epitome of today’s culture.  As we travel on our bowling team, we drive for
hours at a time on our weekend journeys. Eventually, we must speak to one
another about things other than bowling.  Only recently did we get in a
discussion about school itself.  As he looked at my camera and the photographs
stored on it, he came across my artwork. He asked me why I did not go to art
school, presumably because he thinks it is not half bad.  I attempt to answer
him, saying that I would rather do something I really enjoy as a hobby, as to
never get sick of it and be forced to do it.  However, before I could even
finish my statement, he immediately decided to include the fact that art is not
too important, and one should get an education in something that you could
always have a job to fall back on, something more traditional.  While I do
somewhat agree with him, who is this arrogant jerk telling me how to run my
life?  He, of course, is the typical engineering student, who tends to believe
that his cushy $80k a year job will be exactly what he wants when he grows up,
whether it makes him happy or not.  I, on the other hand, believe that being
happy with your job is what makes it a good job or not.  The thought of jumping
out of bed in the morning to do something I love and get paid for it is what makes me excited.

        But this is just one of the problems with society, and I guess depending on who
looks at it with me.  It started in high school, where everyone was told it was
preparing their students for college.  You must make the grade, they say.  So
often now, there are students in classes from the entire spectrum of studies
that are only worried about the grade.  For a specific assignment in a specific
class that was characterized as a “creative-interpretive” project, there were
many people who asked questions such as “How do you want us to do this?” “How
long do you want it?” and “If I do this, will it hurt my grade?”  Does the
concept of creative and/or interpretive completely elude your vocabulary?  Can
you not think outside of the box?  It is not the grade that matters, but the
learning.  You cannot be afraid of failure, otherwise you will never succeed.

        It is thought that if you do not do well in college, you will not succeed in
life.  You must get a decided major, a job in mind, and your career mission set
forth before you are even accepted into an upper-level school.  But then there’s
people like me.  I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life until only a few
weeks ago, and even with that, it’s still not decided.  People laugh when I
declared myself a liberal arts student, as I am looked upon as confused and
helpless. But in reality, I am ahead of the game.  Not only will I be able to
effectively do/create a job for myself in an area that I enjoy, I will have
three fields to choose from, communications, marketing, and another topic of my
choosing.  I will not settle for a life that is not suited for me.

        A close friend of mine was recently having the same issue of employment.
Recently turned 30, she was offered a job outside of Michigan, and out of her
comfort zone.  She was not completely sure about taking this offer, even though
it was a great opportunity.  She struggled with the decision of taking this job
completely forgetting about all that she cares about NOW, as opposed to what
she wanted and cared about ten years ago when she first started school.  Just
because getting a job is what society says to do, she was willing to forget the
small business that she started, moving away from people who care about her, and
actually losing money in the long run to do something she does not want to do.
Not to toot my own horn, but I completely put her life in perspective.  Being a
bit younger, and because of the lack of years and experience of surviving the
everyday world, I would usually be considered less mature and intelligent.
However, with a fresh perspective, and in the same situation that she is in but
ten years earlier, I was able to guide her on the path that is considered by
some to be unorthodox. (see Appendix 1)

        Having known this person for roughly two years now, she wondered who it was
that was giving all this wise advise.  She was never aware of how deep of a
person I am.  I am very deep, but I do not have adequate room to spill
everything that I think or want to say right now.  I would love to share, but
people find me strange if I talk and do other things that are out of the
traditional, ordinary chit-chat, especially when I just talk to random people.
It would be wrong to blame such personable problems on commuter schools such as
the University of Michigan-Dearborn, as it happens everywhere.  However, the
problem is magnified a bit here and it is my best example.  People cannot bond
with those that are simply acquaintances.  There are many people who are
scatter-brained, unable to hold conversation, and simply freaked-out by those
who want to get to know another, even when it is somebody they know and let
alone a perfect stranger.  By not wanting to offend others, they often put a
muzzle on what they really want to say and go around doing, thinking and saying
what others want to hear.  If I end up offending someone, they’ll either be a
good enough friend to forgive me and my ways, or they are not worth enough to
worry about, as there are many other people to meet.

        I used to think that I really knew my friends from high school, but as they
went away to college, they have all changed dramatically.  In reality, I did
not know them at all.  For many reasons, I did not hang out with them as often
as I should have throughout the years to know that they were the same way they
were in high school as they are now, and vice versa.  We were only
acquaintances all along.  Those I have met my first year in college through now
have found a difference in the way I act and present myself, and it was
definitely to a greater degree from my high school acquaintances.  For better
or worse has yet to be determined, but people find it strange that I have the
ability to make connections with others, speak my mind and have opinions for
myself.  For so long, I did what everybody else in high school did to try and
fit in, and it was never who I really was or am.  Now I am more willing to go
against the grain and do my own thing.

        To end my rant about the education and people systems, I end with a quote by
Jules Henry, from his book Culture Against Man, who was referred to me by my
close friend mentioned earlier.

“The function of education has never been to free the mind and spirit of man,
but to bind them; and to the end that the mind and spirit of his children
should never escape Homo sapiens has employed praise, ridicule, admonition,
accusation, mutilation, and even torture to chain them to the culture pattern .
. . for where every man is unique there is no society, and where there is no
society there can be no man. Contemporary American educators think they want
creative children, yet it is an open question as to what they expect these
children to create. And certainly the classrooms -- from kindergarten to
graduate school -- in which they expect it to happen are not crucibles of
creative activity and thought. It stands to reason that were young people truly
creative the culture would fall apart, for originality, by definition, is
different from what is given, and what is given is the culture itself. From the
endless, pathetic, "creative hours" of kindergarten to the most abstruse
problems in sociology and anthropology, the function of education is to prevent
the truly creative intellect from getting out of hand.”

Basically, high school is created to accept a grading system to measure an
individual’s inner excellence.  Children are made to accept not their own, but
a set standard.  The American culture is integrated so it would fall apart if
it did not have feelings of inferiority and worthlessness. 

(Adapted quote from Henry).

        So does this thinking make me “F-ed up”? I do not think so, but we will start
with some other quirks that might.

I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It has not been officially diagnosed, but
I am constantly worrying about something.  If I think of something, I must
write it down immediately in fear of forgetting, or I must find the answer to a
question I have ASAP.  I’ve been called “Captain Anal” in reference to my messy
way of organization, and having to have things done my way.  I wash my hands
religiously, have to check if I lost something that I just had in my hand 5
minutes ago, and I always replay things in my head to see if I did or said
something wrong.  I don’t necessarily see anything bad about this.  You might
be forgetful, covered in germs, you might lose something valuable and then come
off as an arrogant jackass and never know about it.

I like older girls.  Constantly ragged on about this by my bowling teammate, and
given weird looks by anybody else who hears about my dating endeavors, this has
its perks.  Personally, I do not enjoy the college party scene, the high school
drama, or the inability to think for one’s self, which I have found to occur
with many people my age.  I apologize for liking a girl who lacks a traditional
lower back tattoo, doesn’t look fake, spends her time doing things other than
partying, and that I find intelligence sexy. (This is not saying, of course,
that all girls in my age range are like this, but I have yet to find one that
isn’t, available, AND willing to date me.)

I am conservative with my money, which is ironic more than anything, as I am
basically a compulsive gambler.  It is something that I enjoy, however, and I‘d
rather spend my money on something that I want or like than need.  I am
satisfied with the bare minimum, and I feel others should be too.
        I am a bargain shopper. While others feel like spending $50 on a shirt that
they saw at the mall, I’m perfectly happy and more comfortable in a shirt I
found on clearance somewhere.  I use my artsy skills to create something that
could potentially be sold in the same store for $50.  I think people know I
look cooler than them, and I’m the only one who looks the way I do.
        I do not “match”.  Supposedly, there is a memo floating around saying that
everyone’s clothes must match everything else.  I am sorry, but I prefer my
orange and blue shoes, my green belt, one of the four pairs of jeans that are
the same cut and brand but different colors, and a colored t-shirt of my
choosing, covered by one of my clearance sweaters or random, sometimes
ridiculously stupid t-shirts, with my normal jacket.
        I am a junk collector.  I save everything.  Being a chubby child growing up, I
had very big shirts.  This is such a thrill for me now, as I can wear a good
majority of my clothing from then, now. Instant vintage!  I also save
newspapers, magazines, ticket stubs and scratch-off lottery tickets, which I
have accumulated approximately $1500 worth over my lifetime,  all in hopes that
I can find something creative with them in the future.
        I go garbage hunting.  It really is true that one man’s junk is another man’s
treasure.  Through past rummaging, I have found a foosball table, air-hockey
table, skateboard, hockey equipment, movie posters, promotional goodies,
compact discs, and mannequins, which are sitting in the backseat of my car.
        Speaking of my car, it is old, very old. A 1978 Mercury Cougar.  I got it
almost brand new though for a fair price.  I have not had to fix a thing on it.
 While it is not the most efficient thing on gas mileage, I bought a cheap car
and spent whatever money I had left over had I bought a brand new car to pay
for the gas that I need to use.  Besides, I’m a tall kid, it has plenty of leg
room, it is snappy looking and has plenty of trunk-space for a large assortment
of fun stuff.

I take pictures of TV.  Upon viewing something interesting on television for a
split second, sometimes you do not have time to record something in a more
traditional way, such as VCR.  Instead, I grab my camera that I always have
handy and take a snapshot.  Problem solved.  I also take pictures of myself.
It is not in vain, but sometimes you just want to capture a moment and you are
by yourself.  A fun moment should not go unremembered, no matter who is around.

I take claim to some inventions.  The color combination of turquoise and brown
was created in the summer of 2004.  Saying the phrase “Make like ice and
chillll.” to someone angry was created when I was in high school. I believe I
created the McGriddle sandwich around Christmas of 2003, by taking Christmas
ham, putting syrup on it, and surrounding it with two Eggo Cinnamon Toast
Waffles, cheese optional.

I enjoy the smells of gasoline, white-out, paint, sharpies, skunks, farts and
cigars.  However, I do not condone the sniffing of such things, or smoking.  If
it happens, it happens though.



I sometimes shower at night, and then again in the morning. I always shower in
the morning though.  Sometimes, if I do nothing during the day, I’ll forget if
I shower (I guess my memory is not that good after all!) and base taking a
shower on whether or not my hair looks okay.  Depending on where I am going, I
might wear the same clothes from the day before, except with a change of
underwear and undershirt.

I have all my kiddy toys still, such as hundreds of wrestling action figures.
Why should I sell them?  They are worth a very little bit of money, and I’d
rather keep them for sentimental reasons.  I still watch wrestling sometimes
too, as I grew up with it since I was three years old.  I know nobody thinks it
is cool anymore, but that obviously has not stopped me doing something before.

Perhaps the fact that I used to sneak under the kitchen sink and think that a
bottle of Dove dish soap was my baby bottle and drink it until my mom stopped
me has something to do with the way I am.  Or maybe I picked my nose way too
hard sometime and messed me up a little as well.

        These last few things are strange, yes.  Overall, I still act like a kid, know
it and love it.  While I preach about maturity, and the ability to grow up,
sometimes people just need to grow down, lighten up and have a good time in a
childish way. There is nothing wrong with being a kid again, no matter what the
age. As long as you’re able to act your age when the time calls for it, to carry
yourself in a professional and civil way, have at it and have a good time.

Appendix 1

Her:  well, that's one of my problems. I don't know what i want to do. part of
me feels i don't want to, but the other part of me thinks "what else can i do?"
you know, my life would be so much easier if i was one of those girls who just
wanted to marry a doctor and make babies and be a housewife!
Me:  well, given as I'm 20 now, and you said things were going to change for me,
and you were right, I took a look back at things, kind of for an assignment
actually, and i looked into my career choices thus far… i narrowed down what i
DONT want to do, such as do anything with doctors, or engineering.. business
maybe, but i have the business smarts i think to do business related things
without proper education… i like English, art, people, and stuff like that, so
I’m spreading out my educational interest in those fields….ideally, i want to
create my own kind of job, and i will succeed at it in some way, i just know
it'll fall into place somehow. until then, i have no problem doing day to day
and summer jobs until whatever it is that I come up with takes off…
same thing with everything else... I’m not satisfied with a lot of things right
now in my life.  i cant find friends that i can really be myself with, or a
girl. i'm not satisfied by the way i spend my time, or how i do the same things
over and over and over again and how i'm predictable
basically, i'm not going to just settle for things, that's what i was getting at.
while things may be really confusing now, i'm just going to go with the flow for
a while. while the responsible thing IS to get a job, just A job, just to make
money, at the same time, if you settle for something just to do it, what
happens if you fall into it deeper and deeper and eventually just do that
forever, you'll never be happy and it'll be a pain to dig out of the hole
don't take this as a negative or anything, but you've changed a lot since I’ve
known you, for the better….you were really quiet, really shy and stuff when i
first knew you. you had friends, but definitely not as many as you have now (at
least not that i know of)… you're taking action into something you believe in,
instead of something that you think you're just supposed to do.. you overall
seem a lot more happier in this situation that you have going on now than you
did 2 years ago, and now, if you take this job, you're going to be putting all
that off for another 6 months, so don’t!

The above  was taken from an online conversation with my friend and I. I did not
change the grammar, as it should not take away from the overall theme and point.